HELLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO family, friends, and all the
other weird strangers that have some way been reading my emails.
I hope all is well.
First thing -- There have been some rumors floating around out
there that I'll be heading home for good in December to reclaim
my title as Orland Parks "village idiot." I thought I should
clear this up. There is a good possibility that I will be leaving
this bush-league operation known as the United States Peace
Corps early, but I'm not sure when that will be exactly. I found
out that I can get my Masters done by this December -- so I can
either A.) get what I was coming for in less then half the time
I originally expected, or B.) continue sweating my ass off in
this hell whole of a country while fantasizing about killing
every rooster and pig in the world. Right now I'm leaning towards
option A. There are plenty of reason's for this, but story one
has something to do with it.
OK, let me tell you about my first attempt at "working" in
East Timor. Me and another volunteer, (Michael/Gandolf/Barnabis),
were somewhat responsible for conducting meetings all over our
district that were going to be used in the National Development
Plan of Timor. Sounds important I know, but not really. Anyway,
let me sum up how the first meeting went in my home town in
front of the 25 most important people there:
Mark: Hello everyone. We are here to help you help yourselves,
well, because you're really kind of lazy and stupid. Here's
Town: Hey cracker!...........Why don't you go get bent. We tried
that already and it didn't work. What else you got?
Mark: uh...........um..........uh..........I .......I mean..........well.........
Town: SHUT UP RETARD!! (in the voice of Vinny Loizzo)
Meeting over. Probably the biggest embarrassing flop of a meeting
that ever took place in the world. So, that's what I'm doing
to "help" these people out here.
The other afternoon I was walking towards the out house to
use the bathroom. So, I'm strolling over and I see that the
bathroom door is wide open, but I'm coming up from a side angle
so I could see that it was open, but I couldn't see inside.
Suddenly I turn the corner and see the mom of the house naked
and bathing. And for some reason she was bending down and had
her head between her legs -- but looked up just in time to see
the stranger that's living in her house looking right at her
saggy naked body. This... was pretty awkward...let me tell ya. So
-- after this 2 second confrontation, I quickly turned around
and started running back up to the house. On the way up I see
her 20 year old son walking down towards the bathroom into the
same exact situation I was just in. At that point I had two
choices to make. 1) I could tell him that his mom is in the
shower with her head practically up her ass -- and not to go
down there; or 2) Say nothing -- and sit back and watch the response
on his face after he saw his mom naked in weird positions.
The choice for me was simple. Really, I just wanted to see
if it was a normal thing to walk in on your nude mother in this
backward country. Lets call it research. Well, the result is
that I'm pretty sure this poor bastard is scared for life. At
least I found one normal reaction in this God forsaken country.
A couple of weeks ago I received a package that contained a
couple Maxim magazines. I made the big mistake of bringing these
magazines into my office in order to make the usual mind numbingly
slow time go a little faster. This is what happened. One of
the two Timorese guys I work with got a hold of it while I wasn't
looking, and took it over so him and Bazildo could have a look.
So they were flipping through it -- and they repeatedly stopped
at all of the girly pictures to use their finger as some sort
of fake probing device into each woman's groinal region. This
was accompanied by loud sound effects -- and the whole situation
reminded me of something that I might have seen in a 5th grade
recess. Then Bazildo and his side kick stopped at an add for
some dick enlargement pill, and saw with jaw dropping amazement,
the giant bulge of a guy standing in his whitey-tighties. So
now I have to work along side with an office full of perverted
old men with a penis inferiority problem. Lucky me.
Two nights ago I witnessed the most disgusting thing I have
ever seen, and I thought I should share it with you. I was just
hanging out on the side of the street and I saw this pantless
3 year old girl just squat right down and take a dump on the
side of the road. Gross, but nothing I'm not used to by now.
Then she stands up and walks 3 feet forward and repeats the
process. While she was doing this the second time, some of the
local dogs were fighting over this fresh pile of feces and just
lapped that shit up for an afternoon snack. Disgusting, I know,
but it gets worse. Then one little clever dog got this bright
idea, "why fight over this pile, when I can get the goods right
from the source?" So the dog went over and stuck its mouth right
under the girl, and she proceeded to deposit a nice "hot Charlie"
direclty into the dogs mouth. I just stood there doing little
dry heaves out of disgust and thinking to myself... "what
planet am I on?" The worst part is there were plenty of
people around to stop it, but no one thought it was unusual.
This country is fucked up.
OK, I'm making myself sick, so I've got to stop. But before
I go, I need to explain a little about the letter competition.
Originally, the contest was to see who could send the most appreciated
stuff over a long period of time - not the best single package.
I even had to make a score card because of all the letters coming
in. Each individual package received is rated from 1 -- 10 on
how much I liked it -- with the most emphasis being on the letter.
(This sounds terrible I know, but I had to do something to keep
it fair.) The person with the highest score by the time I get
back gets the dinner and drinks. However, once in a while something
comes along that the rules just can't hold anymore. In this
case it was the perfect, all encompassing, well thought out
package that can not go unrewarded. So there has been an additional
new category created for best individual package in which the
winner will get to choose from either a free movie at the show
-- or a round of golf. And right now that award is in the hands
of the man, the myth, the legend...........JAMES GAGLIARDI aka, "the
milkman - because he delivers." Well done my friend. Here are
the other standings, with a number in parenthesis to indicate
how many things I have received. From now on I'm only going
to rate the top five scores because I don't want to make anyone
feel bad being at the bottom -- because really, I appreciate
every single letter more than you guys will ever know.
Best Pen Pal Award Perfect Package Award
*Patricia Hayes (5) 1. Jimmy Gagliardi (1)
Ross Tornabene (3)
Katie Mulrenin (2)
Donna Ogrentz (2)
Kevin Kijewski (2)
* I'm thinking of disqualifying parents, but I haven't decided
Trevor S (2), Laura F (1), Cassie W (1), Robin H (1), Bill
Hayes (1), Gramma (1), Racinski (1), J. Farber (1), Stacey W
(1), Katie T (1), Pat H (1).
These are the packages or letters I've gotten. For everything
that I've received I've sent something out. So if you haven't
gotten anything back, its in the mail or lost. OK thanks again
everyone. Stay strong,
Your Nubian brother,