Mark Konta Estoria VI: Story Time Kiddies

From East Timor

Hello everyone.

I apologize for the delay in the emails, but the World Wide Web is not exactly on hand at every local bamboo hut. But, the length of this email should make up for any neglect over the past couple of weeks. So gather around boys and girls........because it's story time. I've got three good ones - and they get worse with everyone one.

1. So within the first week or so of arriving at my new site, me and good ol' Bazildo decide that after dinner we're going to head down to the office and check out the computer that they have, ( because the electricity only comes at night.) The computer is surprisingly decent; it has everything you would need besides for Internet. So I sit down and do some typing. After I'm done, Bazildo starts telling me that the CD player doesn't work on the computer. So I test out one of my CD's, and sure enough its starts working right away - and I'm starting to think Bazildo is a moron. But then he scurries off into some secret drawer and pulls out a CD of his own and brings it over. I examine it for about 2 seconds before I realize that it's a VCD (video CD) Porn. So off course...I start dying laughing and I'm looking at this guy like, "are you fucking serious buddy?...I've known you for like 2 days, and you're already trying get me into your secret porno club?" But there's about 5 other guys looking over my shoulder just praying I can get this nudy flick to work. Thank god I'm an idiot when it comes to computers and couldn't get it going. Who knows what would have happened - I probably would have found myself in the middle of a Timorese circle jerk in the sub-district government office. Apparently, these VCD's used to work on the computer and these guys would go there at night when the electricity came on so they could......well, I don't know what they'd do....but I sure as hell don't want to find out.

2. Exactly two weeks ago today, I woke up in the morning feeling pretty damn good. So I get dressed and hop on my newly issued Peace Corps bike and head off to the office. Halfway there I see Bazildo zooming by on his little moped telling me to go to this other town where they're having this festival. Sounds pretty good to me, so I strap on the headphones and take off down this huge hill. I'm flying down this hill, riding along with 2Pac, and thinking to myself, "I thought there was a speed bump on this road I better start slowing do..........OH SHIT.........too late."

I'm flying through the air, thinking about what a dumbass I am, and eventually coming to a stop after sliding 20 yards on nothing but my giant sized freakish palms. At first I got up real quick - because I'm all embarrassed that the whole village got to see retarded whitey tumbling down a hill because he doesn't know how to ride a bike - but then I look down at my hands and see that I have just repaved the road with all of the skin from the palms of my hands and blood is everywhere.

So after a few hours I clean myself up at the local clinic and decide to go into the Capital to get checked out. I'm waiting around for a ride into town, and I eventually hitch a ride with this nice 4-seat pick-up truck. There were already 6 Timorese people riding, so I jumped in back and sat against the tailgate. I thought I actually got lucky for once, catching this truck and not having to ride in some shitty bus. Think again Hayes... worst ride ever. The back left passenger was this 80-year-old man. The person sitting in the bed against the cab to the right of me was a 15-year-old girl. Unfortunately for me, both of these fucking people suffered from a case of severe carsickness. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but the projection of spit and vomit in a moving vehicle from both sides of the car seem to meet in the back-middle of the car....What do you know, right where I'm sitting. So, I'm in the back of a pick of truck, hands bloodied and throbbing, trying to dodge spit and puke from all angles for two hours. And, I didn't dodge them all. I know how many times I thought to myself, "If grandpa hits me with one more puke loogi - I'm going to go up there, take the gauze of my hands, wrap it around his neck, and choke the life out of his tiny brown body." But everything turned out all right - oh, except that I found out that the festival I was going to - I would have been able to hang out and talk with the President of the country all day. Way to go Hayes.

3. OK, I don't know why I'm going to even tell this last one - but here it goes. The other day after dinner I sat down in the house and started playing this dumb jacks game with rocks. I'm playing with these 2 ten-year-old kids, and this 20-year-old dude. Now, I have to mention that we had no power for the first two weeks that I went to this town, so its dark and we're playing by candlelight. After a couple of hours of this lame ass game, my back starts to hurt from sitting on the floor for a couple of hours. So I think it might be fun for the kids to walk and jump on my back..... BIG mistake. Instead this is what happened. The kids start getting all excited and have this great idea, but I can't understand a damn word that they're talking about, so I just go along with everything that they're doing. First they get this mat and pillow and tell me to lie down. Fine. Then they run in and get this Vicks type lotion shit and tell me to take off my shirt - weird- but for some reason I pull up the back of my shirt because I thought they might just throw some of that shit on my back real quick. I'm laying, face down, and I feel them start spreading it on my back - OK no big deal, still just a little weird. Then I hear one of the kids giggling in front of me........ Then I look up and see the other kid in front of me. I'm thinking "that's strange, who's rubbing my........OH .......MY.......GOD." I look over towards the wall and proceeded to see the candle lit silhouette shadow of a 20-year-old guy rubbing my back with lotions. Not only that, but when I look back, I see him do the "straddle" sit move to get more leverage. This exact moment was the most uncomfortable moment of my life. For those few seconds, the only thing I kept thinking was, "Lord.......I know that there's is not a good chance of this.......but please don't let any of my friends from home come walking through that door and see this." So I jumped up and took off. The next day I saw two other dudes doing this same shit - so it's either some weird cultural thing like the hand holding thing, or this is the gayest country in the world.

OK - I'm out of here.

'It didn't move,' George Costanza

ps - here are the new standings for the letter competition

1. Ross Tornabene
2. Patricia Hayes
3. Kevin Kijewski
4. Katie Mulrenin
5. Bill Hayes
6. Robin Hayes
7. Donna Ogrentz
8. Trever Speechley
9. Laura Farkas
10. Cassie Wright

I think there's more, but I don't have the list with me right now. Also, for everything that you guys have sent, you should have a letter coming back from me. pps - and if you guys are signed up for aol instant messanger, my call name is grantparkhpi - I should be around the first Thursday night of every month.

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